The joys of working from home with children

When I was pregnant with my first child, I was horrified to read that other moms worked from home -- and actually put their kids in day care.  Wasn't the whole point of working at home avoiding the need for day care, being an actively nurturing at-home mom as you earned a living?  Wouldn't it be so sublime, being able to rock a baby on your lap as you typed... have a toddler quietly play at your feet... have a school-age child do his homework beside you, his role model for hard work?

It didn't take long for me to realize that the only way to work from home with a child was to have a child still in utero.  And even that was taxing at times.

I won't bore you with the details of my career history; I'll just skip to the part where, 10 years later, I did realize my dream of becoming a work-at-home mom.  I figured that now that we were long past potty training it would be a breeze, especially since my husband was also working from home about half the time.  We could even throw a new dog in the mix!  Besides, all of us were fed up with the only after school program in the area: an overpriced, ultraconservative Church-based one that preached the evils of Halloween, Santa Claus, and Harry Potter. (My husband and I figured if the girls continued there, they would become those church-loathing atheists with the uncontrollable compulsion to post obnoxious diatribes against Christianity in every comments section of every on-line article, regardless of the topic.  But I digress...)

The girls didn't ALWAYS whine (but SHE...), fight (but SHE..), or tattle (but SHE...), just when I was on speakerphone with a large group of colleagues.  Or breathe down my neck howling "I'm BOOORED!" as I frantically typed away toward a looming deadline. Or spill magenta glitter nail polish on the white carpet and nail polish remover on the woodwork.  Or let the dog into my office after she'd rolled in gawd-knows-what. Not always...

In any event, we knew we had to rethink our childcare situation...

Strategy 1: Take a long break from work day when kids get home from school; pick it up later in the evening
Outcome: The latter never happens.

Strategy 2: Let girls watch Cartoon Network until workday is done.
Outcome: Might as well let them suck on lead-painted toys if I want their IQ's lowered that much.

Strategy 3: Attempt to maintain focus on work while giving strict orders to follow through on homework and chores.
Outcome: Screechy, whiny, shouting match (but SHE...); neither chores, homework, nor my work get done.

Strategy 4: Delegate childcare to Daddy when he's home.
Outcome: Same as #3, only twice the decibels and duration. Unless Daddy defaults to Strategy #2.

Strategy 5: Follow through on threats to send them back to after school care.
Outcome: Girls resent me, and we continue to tithe to the Church of the Witch Hunters.

Strategy 6: Rent an office, or bum space at Starbucks or the library after 3pm on days that Daddy is home.
Outcome: $$$ on rent, or reek of coffee and have limited network access. See Strategy #4 re childcare.

I searched in vain for on-line forums re this issue. All I find is how to make tons of $$ at home stuffing envelopes or doing medical coding. Hey, at least I could parent the kids while stuffing envelopes...

First baby vs. subsequent babies

For anyone who has (or is considering) more than one glorious offspring.  I wrote this shortly after the birth of my 2nd daughter in 2003.  Thank you for the inspiration, girls!

First baby:

Your rocker-glider with matching ottoman is a relaxing, soothing place to nurse

Subsequent babies:

Your rocker-glider with matching ottoman is the most thrilling piece of indoor playground equipment ever invented – especially when Mommy is trying to nurse the baby in it

First baby:

You sterilize the pacifier in boiling water before giving it to the baby

Subsequent babies:

You pop the pacifier in the baby’s mouth, then realize that your older kid has been chewing on it and/or feeding it to the dog

First baby:

The swing chairs and bouncy seats are a source of soothing comfort for you and your infant

Subsequent babies:

The swing chairs and bouncy seats are a source of constant ear-splitting tantrums from your older kid, who repeatedly attempts to confiscate them for her dolly and /or herself.

First baby:

The musical toys are a great source of stimulating and entertaining your baby

Subsequent babies:

The musical toys are a source of migraines for mommy, when the older one plays them all at once and/or continuously presses the stop-start buttons for the baby hip-hop effect. This effect is intensified when the batteries start to die (which they frequently do with the constant abuse) and the music warps out of tune – but somehow still stays just as loud.

First baby:

You look forward to napping when the baby naps

Subsequent babies:

You look forward to napping when the youngest kid leaves for college

First baby:

You are afraid that if anyone other than mommy or daddy touches that fragile infant, she’ll break

Subsequent babies:

You let your toddler give your infant a big bear hug, and realize that both are just fine

Introduction to what the $%&^#

Thank you +Jill Smokler and +Michelle Hinn, who gave me that final push to stop thinking about a blog and actually start one.  Someday soon I'll be able to thank you with a link back to your fabulous blogs, but I'm still in blogger kindergarten.  First, I've got to get my VCR to stop blinking 12:00.

What the $%^#& was I thinking, as if I had time to start a blog?
What the %&$ was I thinking, as if my job doesn't already put me in front of a screen 60 hours a week?
Well, whatever the $%*&^$# I'm thinking I might as well quit keeping it inside and splatter it all over this blog for anyone to see.